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WRITER, CONSULTANT AND BROADCASTER SPECIALISING IN BEER, PUBS AND CIDER. BEER WRITER OF THE YEAR 2009 AND 2012

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Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Crackdown on mythical creatures as new Mandatory Code comes into force today

Tinkerbelle: barred from UK pubs under tough government measures coming into force today.

Irresponsible creatures from the world of faerie including pixies, elves and sprites will be barred from pubs under tough new powers introduced from today, announced Home Office Minister Alan Campbell.

It is estimated that magical creatures cost the UK taxpayer between £8 and £13 billion a year. The mandatory code introduces five conditions for all alcohol retailers which will ensure consistent good practice and crack down on problem premises where irresponsible drinking by mythical creatures could put individuals at risk and lead to crime and antisocial behaviour.

(We said ‘could’, because of course there’s no evidence that it actually does.)

The conditions coming into force today are:

  • banning irresponsible creatures such as pixies, elves, sprites, boggarts, kobolds, goblins, orcs and level six halfling thieves
  • banning "dentist’s chairs" where drink is poured directly into the mouths of customers making it impossible for them to control the amount they are drinking – or at least, that’s would would happen if there were any pubs that actually ran them

Home Office Minister Alan Campbell said:"Like the dentists’ chair promotion, creatures from the world of faerie may not actually exist outside the feverish imaginations of Daily Mail readers and one tacky bar in Newcastle, but just think what it would be like if they did. A minority of them would continue to take part in irresponsible activities which fuel the excessive drinking that leads to alcohol-related crime and disorder. I mean, centaurs may not really exist, but you can bet that if they did they’d be right bastards, necking blue WKDs for all they’re worth and shitting all over the floor of their local ‘Spoons. So it’s best that we just take the precaution and ban them. Even though they don’t exist. I mean, it’s easier to find a photo of an elf than it is a dentist’s chair promotion, so if we’re banning the dentist’s chair, it’s better to be safe than sorry and go the whole hog, banning everything else that doesn't actually exist.

"The code will see an end to these entirely fictitious creatures and drinks promotions, ensure premises check the ID of those who appear to be underage or have suspiciously pointy ears, helping to make our government look tough by pandering to a neoprohibitionist that inhabits a strange fantasy world with ever fewer links to reality."

Bilbo Baggins was unavailable for comment.

19 comments:

Jeff Pickthall said...

"banning irresponsible creatures such as pixies, elves, sprites, boggarts, kobolds, goblins, orcs and level six halfling thieves"

Let's hope this ban includes images on pumpclips.

Cooking Lager said...

Like the existence of God, Pete, you can choose to believe or not believe, but you can't prove the none existence of pixies. And if they did exist, they could very well be anti social pissheads. I'd feel safer going out for a pint if the government banned pretty much everyone else, not only pixies.

Rabidbarfly said...

That leaves a lot of homeless leprechauns on paddys day, ho hum. No great loss, anti-social little scum bags.

Matt Gorecki said...

I've had a couple of fawns in North over the weekend - why the fuck aren't they banned? They're a bloody nuisance...

BLTP said...

Is the new law only going to be enacted in rough pubs like the Prancing pony in Bree or well run places like The Golden Dragon in Bywater (lovely drop fo ale there foods not to bad either)...

HardKnott Dave said...

Can you imagine though, the horrible scene of a group of Orcs pissed out of their little minds? If they got the munchies nobody else would be safe in the pub. It's obvious the Government should ban such creature.

Velky Al said...

Is the Green Dragon in Bywater under new management then BLTP? I heard it was getting a bit rough since Sam and gang got back, so they went for a lick of paint and a new name as a re-branding exercise. Does this ban on fictitious characters stretch to Jack and Vera Duckworth? One hopes for the sanity of the nation it does!

BikerAggie said...

Well you got me there! I thought you might be talking about a new "child protection" type measure such as the one that banned Joe Camel here in the US because hes a cartoon. Of course, only kids like cartoons. And only children would want to drink Hobgoblin or a beer with Santa on the label.

rr said...

And "Idol's" in Swansea. Google "dentist chair stag". That's two dentist's chairs. That makes it plural and _much_ more scary.

http://www.dananddan.com/?p=68

"Brussels politicians want to stop us drinking English Ale..."

Rob said...

Hard line, hard line after hard line. Some hardcore blogging Pete.

beatsonhouse said...

You never know, it might inspire a few people to kick the hobbit

BLTP said...

these 2 dentist chairs are owned by the same chain of clubs (is it chain if there's 2) it seems "idols" one in swansea and the other in newcastle

Martyn Cornell said...

Beatsonhouse - are you a troll?

Martyn Cornell said...

Of course, this ban will put an end to the traditional landlord's cry at the end of the evening session: "Come along, now please - ain't you got no gnomes to go to?"

DJ said...

I think this move could improve the Elf of the country.

Real Ale Girl said...

I once became a pixie to promote a club night at uni, complete with a tequila belt. They do exist, but gladly not in my life any more!

BLTP said...

this is a serious issue it dwarves all others even chasing the dragon...

Reluctant Scooper said...

Nothing but orc-estrated lunacy.

rr said...

This is rapidly turning into a themed imitation of Private Eye's Pseudo Names feature.

I may have to refer you to my brothers in blue.

Cop E. Kat