DAILY ALCOHOL LIMITS NOT REALLY WORKING FOR US, SAY DRINKERS
A friend recently introduced me to The Daily Mash, a spoof newspaper that will feel familiar to fans of The Onion, but is written in the UK. It's razor-sharp topical, so much so that I often read the spoof stories on here before I've heard the real news headlines they're taking the piss out of. I thought the following, published today, would amuse readers of this blog. Hopefully they won't mind me reproducing it in its entirety:
THESE recommended daily limits on alcohol the government has come up with are really not doing it for us, drinkers said last night.
Beer and wine enthusiasts across the UK stressed that while three to four units may sound reasonable, it's obviously not going to get you trousered, even if you're a lady.
They are now calling on the government to rethink its guidelines or better still just leave them alone and go and bother fat people instead.
Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor from Northampton, said: "It seems to me that they may have confused a safe daily limit with what I like to call 'lunch'."
He added: "Of an evening I like to smash through the limit with a convivial pint or two after work, before I then jump up and down on the limit and set fire to it with a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio.
"I manage to do all this without bothering anyone else. The worst that happens is an occasional tendency to fall asleep and urinate all over the sofa, but, and I'm sure we're all agreed, that's my problem."
Emma Bishop, a marketing executive from Twickenham, added: "How's about this? As an adult, I think a reasonable daily limit is me drinking as much as I fucking want.
"If it affects my work I'll get sacked. If it affects my relationships I'll be all lonely and sad.
"And as for my health, following a quick glance at my tax bill I've decided that the NHS will treat me and the government can keep its fucking opinions to itself."